It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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