You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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