It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
