i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
