We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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