Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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