i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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