Already got asked if we're dating
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
