if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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