I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
