garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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