I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
