If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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