i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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