i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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