i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
