she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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