3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
