I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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