come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
