I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
