omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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