i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just googled if crying burns calories
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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