You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Found the puke drawer
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
