Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
