She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
