i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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