Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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