true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
