i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
