last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
