saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
