even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
