ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
