DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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