I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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