I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
