I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
