please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
