Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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