It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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