Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
