Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
