Jerry, you need to find god
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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