I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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