At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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