in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
