so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
