Sorry, I don't speak sober.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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