What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
